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| (L. 2 R.), Aurelius, Clint Thomas, Reid Jenkins, Dick Patterson |
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| (L. 2 R.), Aurelius, Clint Thomas, Reid Jenkins, Dick Patterson |
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| Zulu Painter |
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| John D. Carlucci |
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| From the TV @ the Bomb |
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| Aurelius Artist |
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| Derek Donnelly |
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| Zulu Painter |
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| John D. Carlucci |
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| From the TV @ the Bomb |
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| Aurelius Artist |
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| Derek Donnelly |
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Known to the wise, Abraham, Buddha, Confucius, and Jesus understood the underlying connectedness of all humanity. Their admonitions to us contain high awareness of our human interdependence.So when you think about it, you start to discover that all accomplishment, all achievement, all success, all progress that we as human beings have experienced is a result of our interdependence with others! A tremendous amount of support surrounds us in all areas of our lives; our families, our friends, our business colleagues, our partnerships, our educators, our children, our community, our state, our country, our world are visible support structures.
While the list of this interdependent support goes on, as individuals we often fail to realize that independence is a direct result of our interdependence and cooperation with others. We cannot truly become independent without the help of others!
How do we achieve independence? We must learn to ask for this help!
Independence is achieved through interdependent associations when people are united together to support each other: mentoring, coaching, sharing resources and referrals, working together toward common objectives, and helping in numerous ways. There are endless examples of how our interdependence affects each of us every day. While for many of us there is a higher force providing invisible support, allow me to go ahead and provide examples of invisible support from our everyday environment.
Before we wake up in the morning, there?s someone at the electric company making sure our lights will go on when we flip the switch. The water company pumps and stores water waiting for our beckoning call at the faucet. Farmers and truckers are growing and transporting food products to our local grocer who in turn, makes these products available to our community, our families and to us. Oil companies are drilling oil from around the world and shipping the oil to our neighborhoods allowing us the freedom to drive our cars when and where we choose.
There are countless more examples that demonstrate that almost every action we take throughout our day has visible and invisible support structures of interdependent relationships.
One of the central features of relationships then is our awareness of interdependence. We move from seeing ourselves as separate from one another, to seeing ourselves as connected and interdependent with one another.
Interdependence?.Dependence?.Independence?..Interdependence
A process of interdependence allows us, as individuals to be STRONG enough to be dependent when new behaviors, new skills, and new learning are required. When we are able to do this in an interdependent world, we move toward independence and self-reliance.
When interdependent behavior is high, individuals are making connections continuously, providing help and asking for help. Individuals are connecting others to others?and therefore strengthening connections in a web of relationship that far exceeds you and me.
When independent behavior is high, individuals are focusing on their individual success and are more apt to be self sufficient and self-reliant. Overly independent, individuals may not make the connections they need to continue to grow personally and professionally or to contribute to the success of others.
When interdependence is practiced and embraced, independence is a natural product. Individuals are able to get needed support and better move in relationship with the world. Recognizing that there is a time for dependence allows us to move to full potential by first suspending our independence. For many of us, this is a very vulnerable place. Becoming vulnerable in all aspects of our lives will help us ask for the help we need, and to better move easily in and out of relationship as we develop new and untested processes.
Fostering an interdependent environment creates an incredible web of support that is transformative to one?s life and to the world!
Interdependence Unleashed
Consider this three-part process that moves us more deeply into strengthening interdependent relationships.
Cooperative relating is the integration of independence and cooperation.
Mutual dependence takes place when we embrace this in our thinking and interactions: I need you and you need me. We act or work together, cooperating to achieve what both parties need/want. We own collectively, and share in the risks and the benefits, or experience the joy of helping another reach another level. In a truly cooperative relationship, this basic dynamic is extended repeatedly. Cooperative partners bring to light what is possible together.
Fostering an interdependent environment creates an incredible web of support that is transformative!
Summary
This strategy helps reinforce the awareness that we do not come to any situation alone. We never have, and we never will. Visible and invisible support systems are all around us. We help others and we are helped by others. Understanding this, we are better able to look at each other in a way that is relational, experience joy and satisfaction, identify what we need in a given situation, and better help and support another. We see how our interdependence strengthens the ability to be independent. Interdependence ultimately results in liberation: the ability to be self sufficient, and to contribute to the world. The next strategy will help you focus your attention and intention on purposeful listening with heart and mind.
This month?s "Thinking Point" for connecting forward: What support do you currently need to move you toward achieving the objective you have set for yourself?
Known to the wise, Abraham, Buddha, Confucius, and Jesus understood the underlying connectedness of all humanity. Their admonitions to us contain high awareness of our human interdependence.So when you think about it, you start to discover that all accomplishment, all achievement, all success, all progress that we as human beings have experienced is a result of our interdependence with others! A tremendous amount of support surrounds us in all areas of our lives; our families, our friends, our business colleagues, our partnerships, our educators, our children, our community, our state, our country, our world are visible support structures.
While the list of this interdependent support goes on, as individuals we often fail to realize that independence is a direct result of our interdependence and cooperation with others. We cannot truly become independent without the help of others!
How do we achieve independence? We must learn to ask for this help!
Independence is achieved through interdependent associations when people are united together to support each other: mentoring, coaching, sharing resources and referrals, working together toward common objectives, and helping in numerous ways. There are endless examples of how our interdependence affects each of us every day. While for many of us there is a higher force providing invisible support, allow me to go ahead and provide examples of invisible support from our everyday environment.
Before we wake up in the morning, there?s someone at the electric company making sure our lights will go on when we flip the switch. The water company pumps and stores water waiting for our beckoning call at the faucet. Farmers and truckers are growing and transporting food products to our local grocer who in turn, makes these products available to our community, our families and to us. Oil companies are drilling oil from around the world and shipping the oil to our neighborhoods allowing us the freedom to drive our cars when and where we choose.
There are countless more examples that demonstrate that almost every action we take throughout our day has visible and invisible support structures of interdependent relationships.
One of the central features of relationships then is our awareness of interdependence. We move from seeing ourselves as separate from one another, to seeing ourselves as connected and interdependent with one another.
Interdependence?.Dependence?.Independence?..Interdependence
A process of interdependence allows us, as individuals to be STRONG enough to be dependent when new behaviors, new skills, and new learning are required. When we are able to do this in an interdependent world, we move toward independence and self-reliance.
When interdependent behavior is high, individuals are making connections continuously, providing help and asking for help. Individuals are connecting others to others?and therefore strengthening connections in a web of relationship that far exceeds you and me.
When independent behavior is high, individuals are focusing on their individual success and are more apt to be self sufficient and self-reliant. Overly independent, individuals may not make the connections they need to continue to grow personally and professionally or to contribute to the success of others.
When interdependence is practiced and embraced, independence is a natural product. Individuals are able to get needed support and better move in relationship with the world. Recognizing that there is a time for dependence allows us to move to full potential by first suspending our independence. For many of us, this is a very vulnerable place. Becoming vulnerable in all aspects of our lives will help us ask for the help we need, and to better move easily in and out of relationship as we develop new and untested processes.
Fostering an interdependent environment creates an incredible web of support that is transformative to one?s life and to the world!
Interdependence Unleashed
Consider this three-part process that moves us more deeply into strengthening interdependent relationships.
Cooperative relating is the integration of independence and cooperation.
Mutual dependence takes place when we embrace this in our thinking and interactions: I need you and you need me. We act or work together, cooperating to achieve what both parties need/want. We own collectively, and share in the risks and the benefits, or experience the joy of helping another reach another level. In a truly cooperative relationship, this basic dynamic is extended repeatedly. Cooperative partners bring to light what is possible together.
Fostering an interdependent environment creates an incredible web of support that is transformative!
Summary
This strategy helps reinforce the awareness that we do not come to any situation alone. We never have, and we never will. Visible and invisible support systems are all around us. We help others and we are helped by others. Understanding this, we are better able to look at each other in a way that is relational, experience joy and satisfaction, identify what we need in a given situation, and better help and support another. We see how our interdependence strengthens the ability to be independent. Interdependence ultimately results in liberation: the ability to be self sufficient, and to contribute to the world. The next strategy will help you focus your attention and intention on purposeful listening with heart and mind.
This month?s "Thinking Point" for connecting forward: What support do you currently need to move you toward achieving the objective you have set for yourself?
Since crowd-sourcing was the goal, the FBI should be pleased. But we didn't really learn anything new beyond the assertion that some of the stolen paintings made their way to Philadelphia a decade ago. I was invited to speak with investigators alone for a few minutes after the news conference. They are dedicated men to be sure, and they were candid: they told me that for now the train has "gone cold."
It was attention grabbing to hear them say they know the identities of the thieves. (Keeping the names secret is wise from an investigative standpoint -- imagine the media swarm.) But any careful follower of the case can boil the list of likely robbers down to three men -- all Boston-area felons. My belief is that two of the thieves are dead, and the third is in prison. The dead men will tell no tales, but there is still a chance to squeeze the guy behind bars.
A lot of these characters, chief among them a gangster named Carmello Merlino, also deceased, can be heard yapping on wiretaps about their plans to return the art for the $5 million reward money -- if only they could find it. It's the gang that couldn't steal straight.
Since crowd-sourcing was the goal, the FBI should be pleased. But we didn't really learn anything new beyond the assertion that some of the stolen paintings made their way to Philadelphia a decade ago. I was invited to speak with investigators alone for a few minutes after the news conference. They are dedicated men to be sure, and they were candid: they told me that for now the train has "gone cold."
It was attention grabbing to hear them say they know the identities of the thieves. (Keeping the names secret is wise from an investigative standpoint -- imagine the media swarm.) But any careful follower of the case can boil the list of likely robbers down to three men -- all Boston-area felons. My belief is that two of the thieves are dead, and the third is in prison. The dead men will tell no tales, but there is still a chance to squeeze the guy behind bars.
A lot of these characters, chief among them a gangster named Carmello Merlino, also deceased, can be heard yapping on wiretaps about their plans to return the art for the $5 million reward money -- if only they could find it. It's the gang that couldn't steal straight.
Years ago I read a great book called "How to be a Star at Work" by Robert E. Kelley. This book became and continues to be one of the "100 Best Business Books of All Time" and the "#1 Career Book" ranked by The New York Daily News. The author makes the argument that "stars are made, not born". This is terrific news for anyone who is looking for ways to become a star at work.Based on Kelley?s book, there are 9 breakthrough strategies you need to succeed. Here are his strategies and some of his ideas as well as my thoughts on how to awaken the star within you:
1. Take initiative. Look for opportunities to set yourself apart from others. Many employees don?t take initiative. It?s too much work, they are too busy doing their job or they have become complacent. High performers go the extra mile consistently. Initiative is what many employers and recruiters look for in new hires, yet it is so rare to find in the workplace. Take initiative by taking on additional responsibility above and beyond your current job description. Look for ways to help coworkers or the department with specific goals or projects. Don?t be afraid to take some risks by taking initiative.
2. Become a good networker. It is said that we are only 4-5 people away from anything we ever want to be, do or have. A good network can help you fill in the gaps. You don?t know everything. But if you have a good network of people to draw on, you can usually find someone in your network to help you, or at least someone who knows a person that can help you.
3. Excel at self-management. Self-management isn?t about being super organized. It?s about evaluating which activities are important vs unimportant and then balancing those against the urgent vs not urgent. It?s about taking control over your own career path by developing a plan and connecting yourself to the work you most enjoy and that benefits the company. Stars figure out how to leverage their talents and add value to their organizations. Increasing personal effectiveness and efficiency is important.
4. Build perspective. I have a metaphor I love using with my clients around gaining more perspective. I have them think about a hockey game in an arena. As the hockey player you are focused on moving the puck, passing the puck, scoring, etc. The action is quick and very narrowly focused. The game moves quickly. Removing yourself from the player position to the coach position on the sidelines, you are able to gain a broader perspective of what is going on in the game. The game slows down, the view is broader and you are able to think more strategically about what should be done. Now moving to an observer position high in the stands, the game slows down even further. You are able to gain even more perspective as you can see not only the game and the coaching but also the statistics and anything else going on in the periphery. Much greater perspective and a much bigger viewpoint. As you awaken your star power, gain perspective on not just what you do, but what is going on around you and how that impacts your job, department and the company as a whole.
5. Build followership. Followership focuses on relationships you have with leaders and people who have power and authority over you. To be a good follower, you need to know how to lead yourself. Good followers have focus, commitment and build competence and credibility as a way of influencing others in the workplace. They maintain an honest conscience and a great deal of integrity. Their own ego is managed and controlled in order to work cooperatively with leaders.
6. Be a leader. Not just with people you formally lead already. Be a leader amongst your peers and colleagues as well as others. As a leader amongst your peers, you should look to be respected for your knowledge, expertise and proven judgment. You especially want their respect in the area of people-skills. Demonstrate that you care about people and your colleagues.
7. Be a team player. As a strong team player you can contribute by making sure the team knows and understands its purpose, gets the team?s job done and by paying attention and contributing to the group dynamics in a constructive and positive way.
8. Increase your organizational savvy. According to Kelley organizational savvy is defined as: "the ability to manage competing workplace interests to promote an idea, resolve conflicts, and most important to achieve a goal." The organization can be a political minefield so it?s important to be savvy. Find an organizational mentor who can help you maneuver through the organization. Build and nurture solid relationships and increase your personal credibility.
9. Become effective at persuasion. Impact and influence skills are key to getting to desired outcomes. It?s important to understand your audience and tailor your communication to them. Remember resistance is a sign that you haven?t built enough rapport.
Years ago I read a great book called "How to be a Star at Work" by Robert E. Kelley. This book became and continues to be one of the "100 Best Business Books of All Time" and the "#1 Career Book" ranked by The New York Daily News. The author makes the argument that "stars are made, not born". This is terrific news for anyone who is looking for ways to become a star at work.Based on Kelley?s book, there are 9 breakthrough strategies you need to succeed. Here are his strategies and some of his ideas as well as my thoughts on how to awaken the star within you:
1. Take initiative. Look for opportunities to set yourself apart from others. Many employees don?t take initiative. It?s too much work, they are too busy doing their job or they have become complacent. High performers go the extra mile consistently. Initiative is what many employers and recruiters look for in new hires, yet it is so rare to find in the workplace. Take initiative by taking on additional responsibility above and beyond your current job description. Look for ways to help coworkers or the department with specific goals or projects. Don?t be afraid to take some risks by taking initiative.
2. Become a good networker. It is said that we are only 4-5 people away from anything we ever want to be, do or have. A good network can help you fill in the gaps. You don?t know everything. But if you have a good network of people to draw on, you can usually find someone in your network to help you, or at least someone who knows a person that can help you.
3. Excel at self-management. Self-management isn?t about being super organized. It?s about evaluating which activities are important vs unimportant and then balancing those against the urgent vs not urgent. It?s about taking control over your own career path by developing a plan and connecting yourself to the work you most enjoy and that benefits the company. Stars figure out how to leverage their talents and add value to their organizations. Increasing personal effectiveness and efficiency is important.
4. Build perspective. I have a metaphor I love using with my clients around gaining more perspective. I have them think about a hockey game in an arena. As the hockey player you are focused on moving the puck, passing the puck, scoring, etc. The action is quick and very narrowly focused. The game moves quickly. Removing yourself from the player position to the coach position on the sidelines, you are able to gain a broader perspective of what is going on in the game. The game slows down, the view is broader and you are able to think more strategically about what should be done. Now moving to an observer position high in the stands, the game slows down even further. You are able to gain even more perspective as you can see not only the game and the coaching but also the statistics and anything else going on in the periphery. Much greater perspective and a much bigger viewpoint. As you awaken your star power, gain perspective on not just what you do, but what is going on around you and how that impacts your job, department and the company as a whole.
5. Build followership. Followership focuses on relationships you have with leaders and people who have power and authority over you. To be a good follower, you need to know how to lead yourself. Good followers have focus, commitment and build competence and credibility as a way of influencing others in the workplace. They maintain an honest conscience and a great deal of integrity. Their own ego is managed and controlled in order to work cooperatively with leaders.
6. Be a leader. Not just with people you formally lead already. Be a leader amongst your peers and colleagues as well as others. As a leader amongst your peers, you should look to be respected for your knowledge, expertise and proven judgment. You especially want their respect in the area of people-skills. Demonstrate that you care about people and your colleagues.
7. Be a team player. As a strong team player you can contribute by making sure the team knows and understands its purpose, gets the team?s job done and by paying attention and contributing to the group dynamics in a constructive and positive way.
8. Increase your organizational savvy. According to Kelley organizational savvy is defined as: "the ability to manage competing workplace interests to promote an idea, resolve conflicts, and most important to achieve a goal." The organization can be a political minefield so it?s important to be savvy. Find an organizational mentor who can help you maneuver through the organization. Build and nurture solid relationships and increase your personal credibility.
9. Become effective at persuasion. Impact and influence skills are key to getting to desired outcomes. It?s important to understand your audience and tailor your communication to them. Remember resistance is a sign that you haven?t built enough rapport.
There is a fundamental desire in all of us to be in relationship, and to develop relationships that flourish. We stressed that the desire for building deeper relationships is a basic human need found in all of us. Choosing and deepening relationships are interrelated. At each point in your relationship's, you and those to whom you relate may choose either to develop or not to develop your relationships further.
How do we make that choice? Of course, there are many ways. One person described her experience as jumping belly first into the water. For me, it's like going into a swimming pool and testing the water first;
Gingerly testing the water with toes, feet, and then slowly edging into the water. I temper my approach into the water with caution depending on whether it is a warm day in June versus a hot day in July. If the sun is shining or if it is overcast, we may approach the water differently.
The same is true in relationship. We continuously feel our way along in the meeting with another. We test the temperature, gauging the mutuality and connection, and then step back to assess how it feels for us, and whether the other person or persons have a reciprocal response. A multitude of factors in our environment are considered in going forward. Sometimes, no holds barred, we jump right in!
We offer the following five R's to throw into the mix of discussion around this very critical topic: Rewardingness, Reciprocity, Rules, Resourceful, and Relationshift.
Rewardingness
Webster defines rewarding as a sense of reward or worthwhile return. We are building on this definition by defining rewardingness as an ongoing exchange and flow based on mutual benefit for all. This exchange may be in providing services or products, or sharing learning, contacts, or resources.
There exists a fundamental psychological principle that people are more likely to repeat behaviors that have rewarding consequences for them than those that do not. Relationships are likely to deepen if partners can increase the range and depth of the mutual rewards they receive from one another, and if they are able to sustain a high level of mutual trust and benefits.
The Relationship provides joyful experiences along the way that evoke from us and from others. This is a reward in of itself.
Phil Black, a student, writer, and teacher of Gestalt Psychotherapy poses the rhetorical question "when all goals are close to equal, what determines who we remain in relationship with towards these outcomes, whether it is business or pleasure? It is the relationship itself that determines this decision-the ease and the pleasure derived. In the end, there must be joy: a laugh, a smile, or we will not find satisfaction, and we will not stay with or return to. We capture his remark and say yes, it is the reward of the relationship that keep us involved.
?
Reciprocity - Rules - Resourcefulness - Relationshift
Webster defines reciprocity as a corresponding and complementary exchange; the quality or state of being reciprocal. Through mutual dependence, action or influence, a mutual exchange of privileges takes place. This definition fits well with the underlying intention that is inherent to a relationship focus. Most long standing relationships are grounded in some form of reciprocity in the giving and receiving of rewards. Cunningham and Antill (1981) observe "It is indisputable that most human relationships are based on considerations of equity and exchange." Sharing this view of reciprocity as a joint responsibility enhances and deepens the relationship and the connection. Most of us are familiar with the barter system as it relates to goods or services, but few of us think of it in terms of relationship building.
Rules are defined by Webster's New World Dictionary as an established regulation or guide for conduct. The definition for the purpose of this book is to reinforce that each of us brings rules to the relationship based on many personal factors and that rules also emerge in relationship. The personal factors, to name a few, may include personality characteristics, boundary preferences, time availability or urgency, level of experience, geographical or global factors, comfort level, life focus, or monetary needs/constraints. The rules that emerge in relationship are based on the reason for the relationship, the length of the relationship, the level of established trust, and the degree of confidence that exists. Rules constantly change as the relationship changes. While the rules may become formal or contractual, they are often informal. These relationship rules provide guidelines and clarify expectations for your own and your partner's behavior. Remembering to look at these rules from time to time helps us to uncover whether the relationship rule continues to serve us well, or whether suspending or replacing it would serve the relationship better.
Webster defines resource as a source of information or expertise; a source of supply or support. resourcefulness is the ability to effectively and efficiently respond to problems and determine the resources that are important (people, technology, material, services, time, et cetera.) Resourcefully responding to the need in the moment, calls for attention to ongoing reemerging needs. This constant reevaluation helps us answer the question what is needed now; and the ongoing accumulation of knowledge, skills, and a large network of contacts helps us become more resourceful in relationship.
The spirit of the word relationshift is that a relationship never really ends; it simply flows to something else--a relationshift, becoming relevant again when time, opportunity and a mutual focus reemerges. An Oxford dictionary points to the word relevance derived from the French word relief as to lift up, to relieve. Oxford offers the synonyms aiding, assisting and helping. Webster's definition is as relating to the matter under consideration; pertinence. We bring these two words together-relevance and relationship, and further expand the definition to consider the questions who, why, when, where, and how. We have changing needs and we need to ask a host of questions as we go forward in relationship.
Paying attention to relevance in a given situation will keep us on target toward developing that which aligns to what is most important to self, and most important to the other as well. In short, relevance is constantly changing. That is the very reason attention to the shift taking place in relationship is important. While the relevance of the relationship is changing in the present, it is also imperative for all of us to understand that relationships, as a whole, always have been and always will be shifting! A collaboration may end now, but may come back again twenty years from now. Relevance emerges, if you will, around a common goal. Developing a meaningful and quality relationship is the lifeblood of taking your personal and professional relationships to the next level--lifting up and helping others along the way. When we look at a relationship with these eyes, we see that we can easily pick up again as we move forward in our personal and professional life.
The process of recognizing the transformation of a relationship to something else is one of the most liberating realizations an individual can experience- freeing self up to letting go and moving on while recreating a relationship vision with the same person. In one's personal and professional life this allows for a natural transformation of relationship.
?
Summary
The five relationship factors presented in this excerpt are foundational to taking your personal and professional relationships to the next level. The 5 R's, rewardingness, reciprocity, rules, resourcefulness, and relationshift, support a relationship focus whereby new possibilities are continuously created.
Each of these factors describes a context for the existence, the fluidity, the vitality, and the richness of the relationship to emerge and flourish. The 5 R's reinforce the importance of paying attention to the relationship based on benefits, common interests, resource identification, expectations, requirements, and mutuality.
There is a fundamental desire in all of us to be in relationship, and to develop relationships that flourish. We stressed that the desire for building deeper relationships is a basic human need found in all of us. Choosing and deepening relationships are interrelated. At each point in your relationship's, you and those to whom you relate may choose either to develop or not to develop your relationships further.
How do we make that choice? Of course, there are many ways. One person described her experience as jumping belly first into the water. For me, it's like going into a swimming pool and testing the water first;
Gingerly testing the water with toes, feet, and then slowly edging into the water. I temper my approach into the water with caution depending on whether it is a warm day in June versus a hot day in July. If the sun is shining or if it is overcast, we may approach the water differently.
The same is true in relationship. We continuously feel our way along in the meeting with another. We test the temperature, gauging the mutuality and connection, and then step back to assess how it feels for us, and whether the other person or persons have a reciprocal response. A multitude of factors in our environment are considered in going forward. Sometimes, no holds barred, we jump right in!
We offer the following five R's to throw into the mix of discussion around this very critical topic: Rewardingness, Reciprocity, Rules, Resourceful, and Relationshift.
Rewardingness
Webster defines rewarding as a sense of reward or worthwhile return. We are building on this definition by defining rewardingness as an ongoing exchange and flow based on mutual benefit for all. This exchange may be in providing services or products, or sharing learning, contacts, or resources.
There exists a fundamental psychological principle that people are more likely to repeat behaviors that have rewarding consequences for them than those that do not. Relationships are likely to deepen if partners can increase the range and depth of the mutual rewards they receive from one another, and if they are able to sustain a high level of mutual trust and benefits.
The Relationship provides joyful experiences along the way that evoke from us and from others. This is a reward in of itself.
Phil Black, a student, writer, and teacher of Gestalt Psychotherapy poses the rhetorical question "when all goals are close to equal, what determines who we remain in relationship with towards these outcomes, whether it is business or pleasure? It is the relationship itself that determines this decision-the ease and the pleasure derived. In the end, there must be joy: a laugh, a smile, or we will not find satisfaction, and we will not stay with or return to. We capture his remark and say yes, it is the reward of the relationship that keep us involved.
?
Reciprocity - Rules - Resourcefulness - Relationshift
Webster defines reciprocity as a corresponding and complementary exchange; the quality or state of being reciprocal. Through mutual dependence, action or influence, a mutual exchange of privileges takes place. This definition fits well with the underlying intention that is inherent to a relationship focus. Most long standing relationships are grounded in some form of reciprocity in the giving and receiving of rewards. Cunningham and Antill (1981) observe "It is indisputable that most human relationships are based on considerations of equity and exchange." Sharing this view of reciprocity as a joint responsibility enhances and deepens the relationship and the connection. Most of us are familiar with the barter system as it relates to goods or services, but few of us think of it in terms of relationship building.
Rules are defined by Webster's New World Dictionary as an established regulation or guide for conduct. The definition for the purpose of this book is to reinforce that each of us brings rules to the relationship based on many personal factors and that rules also emerge in relationship. The personal factors, to name a few, may include personality characteristics, boundary preferences, time availability or urgency, level of experience, geographical or global factors, comfort level, life focus, or monetary needs/constraints. The rules that emerge in relationship are based on the reason for the relationship, the length of the relationship, the level of established trust, and the degree of confidence that exists. Rules constantly change as the relationship changes. While the rules may become formal or contractual, they are often informal. These relationship rules provide guidelines and clarify expectations for your own and your partner's behavior. Remembering to look at these rules from time to time helps us to uncover whether the relationship rule continues to serve us well, or whether suspending or replacing it would serve the relationship better.
Webster defines resource as a source of information or expertise; a source of supply or support. resourcefulness is the ability to effectively and efficiently respond to problems and determine the resources that are important (people, technology, material, services, time, et cetera.) Resourcefully responding to the need in the moment, calls for attention to ongoing reemerging needs. This constant reevaluation helps us answer the question what is needed now; and the ongoing accumulation of knowledge, skills, and a large network of contacts helps us become more resourceful in relationship.
The spirit of the word relationshift is that a relationship never really ends; it simply flows to something else--a relationshift, becoming relevant again when time, opportunity and a mutual focus reemerges. An Oxford dictionary points to the word relevance derived from the French word relief as to lift up, to relieve. Oxford offers the synonyms aiding, assisting and helping. Webster's definition is as relating to the matter under consideration; pertinence. We bring these two words together-relevance and relationship, and further expand the definition to consider the questions who, why, when, where, and how. We have changing needs and we need to ask a host of questions as we go forward in relationship.
Paying attention to relevance in a given situation will keep us on target toward developing that which aligns to what is most important to self, and most important to the other as well. In short, relevance is constantly changing. That is the very reason attention to the shift taking place in relationship is important. While the relevance of the relationship is changing in the present, it is also imperative for all of us to understand that relationships, as a whole, always have been and always will be shifting! A collaboration may end now, but may come back again twenty years from now. Relevance emerges, if you will, around a common goal. Developing a meaningful and quality relationship is the lifeblood of taking your personal and professional relationships to the next level--lifting up and helping others along the way. When we look at a relationship with these eyes, we see that we can easily pick up again as we move forward in our personal and professional life.
The process of recognizing the transformation of a relationship to something else is one of the most liberating realizations an individual can experience- freeing self up to letting go and moving on while recreating a relationship vision with the same person. In one's personal and professional life this allows for a natural transformation of relationship.
?
Summary
The five relationship factors presented in this excerpt are foundational to taking your personal and professional relationships to the next level. The 5 R's, rewardingness, reciprocity, rules, resourcefulness, and relationshift, support a relationship focus whereby new possibilities are continuously created.
Each of these factors describes a context for the existence, the fluidity, the vitality, and the richness of the relationship to emerge and flourish. The 5 R's reinforce the importance of paying attention to the relationship based on benefits, common interests, resource identification, expectations, requirements, and mutuality.
 |
| Lucian Freud, Woman with Eyes Closed |
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| Paul Gauguin, La Fiancée |
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| Matisse's Reading Woman |
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| Jacob Meyer De Haan, Self-Portrait |
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| Sideways view of Monet's Waterloo Bridge |
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| Another sideway's view: Monet's Charing Cross Bridge, London |
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| Picasso's Head of a Harlequin |
|
| Lucian Freud, Woman with Eyes Closed |
|
| Paul Gauguin, La Fiancée |
|
| Matisse's Reading Woman |
|
| Jacob Meyer De Haan, Self-Portrait |
|
| Sideways view of Monet's Waterloo Bridge |
|
| Another sideway's view: Monet's Charing Cross Bridge, London |
|
| Picasso's Head of a Harlequin |
